Hate on ME

People are going to hate regardless. I need haters. They motivate me. So anyone that is reading this, if you don’t have anyone to hate, please hate on me.

Those who are stronger are weak

Bring the stronger one isn’t an easy role. You are admired coz you’re invincible, unbeatable and unsinkable. But if you have remembered, Titanic was built to be unsinkable yet it sank.

I guess that’s me. Always expected to look tough and strong. Even my friends look up to me and say I’m the mature one. Well I guess that’s an attribute you’ll adapt when you’re a firstborn child. I’ve grown up with this idea that I should be the one to give way, to understand, to stay strong and be a good example. I live with that kind of thinking. I tried my best to be a perfect daughter. I’m always afraid to be a disappointment to anyone. I always wanted to be perfect and flawless yet I am not.

To my younger cousins and hard headed older cousins, my grandpa would always say that I should be the best example to them. Be a good “ate” and just give way to whatever those kids want; accomplish better things than my “kuya’s” in the family. I’ve seen my older cousins fall and stood up and fall again. Some of them even had a family at such a younger age and life wasn’t that easy as I have witnessed. Ofcourse, I do want to be better than that.

I’m used to learn lessons in life in an implied way. With implied, I meant that I’ve learned from other people’s mistakes, ponder things about it, and I tried my best to be better than them. Yet, up to now, I don’t know if it’s a right way of learning things.

Being a nursing student for four years, I graduated with no excellent awards and all. But I didn’t feel bad about it. The experience and hardships I had, all I can say is that, graduating from that course is a pride enough to stand straight with your chin up. Much more when I passed the board exams. I’ve been to review classes and it caused me so many tears along the way. I have to live up with my family and even my friend’s expectations. Board exam and review classes weren’t the things that made it so hard. But it’s the pressure laid on my shoulder. Not to brag about it, but my friends would always tell me that I can be a topnotcher if I wanted to. Yet, it didn’t give me the encouragement and confidence. What came in to me is, “what if I didn’t make it? How can I face them?”

But thank God, he is so good. I am blessed more than what I deserve. I passed the board exam. Though I’m not a topnotcher, still I’m glad I made them proud. Am I happy? Partly, ofcourse yes. Partly, I’m not. Weird right? A lot of people would want to be in my place. Yet I am not as pleased as them. Why? I’m AFRAID. You heard that right. The toughest person you always looked up to is AFRAID.

For closer friends, I’m always the goofiest one; the one who would just throw out jokes along serious talks. During the hardest moments, I end up being the shoulder to cry on. I’m good at making people feel better, as what they say. But did you know what the cliché is? I myself am not a good counselor of myself. The hardest part of it is that I’m good at pretending I’m tough simply because I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. People are used to see me smiling and just laughing my ass out to all of my problems, and I guess I’m good at that. I end those days with “crying myself to sleep” routine. Solving problems with just me, myself and I. Tough right? But you know what? Sometimes, I just needed that someone who will look me in the eyes despite of my laughter and tell me “C’mon. Gimme a hug. Tell me what’s wrong.” But I’ve got nothing. Guess I’m too good at pretending. Even with my four year boyfriend, which is my BEST-est friend too. But there’s something good about him that makes me feel so good.

HE might not be the one who can see through my soul but I can be who I am when I’m with him. I don’t have to pretend to be tough and he never made me feel like I’m a bother to him. I wasn’t afraid to cry like a manatee in front of him. He’s like the only person I am allowed to be weak. And sometimes, that’s just what I need. Being strong makes you feel easily tired. That’s why I look up to those vulnerable ones. I admire you guys coz you can just spill those tears away, while I can’t.

I’m glad that I have a lot of friends to whom I can laugh with. And I appreciate you all. God knows how thankful I am for having you. Words aren’t even enough.

And to my BEST-est friend, I’m glad I found you. But God might have decided to teach me better things. He knows you’re my strongest foundation yet he took you miles away from me. I don’t look at that as a bad thing. I know He’s just trying to tell me that I am tough and I can do these things on my own. Not because I don’t need you. He knows how my life had been a fast lane where people and even I, myself taking the run up to 200 miles per hour and He knows from time to time, I need someone to slow things down (YOU) and avoid me from crashing to the barricades of life. You are the “break” pedals of my life.

For now, I don’t know what life has in store for me. I don’t even know if what I have right now is enough for me to succeed. There’s no slowing down and backing out this time. All I can see are “STRAIGHT AHEAD” signs and no “U-TURNS”. I guess, it leaves me no choice but to go along the waves of my life. I’m so afraid, I tell you. And several nights ago, I just cried silently. I don’t know how many ramps are there ahead of this road I am taking, but I know that with my friends, my love ones and family, I can make it. There might be dead ends but I guess I’ll take that as a sign that it’s not the path for me.

I’m tired of living by expectations, this time; I’ll live with my own preferences. I know my learning aren’t yet enough but in this life, nothing’s seems enough, right? I’ll go on with what I have. I might still be that pretentious bitch who says she’s tough. Just bear with me. Just be there when I pull up at the curb and be a “SLOW DOWN” sign for me. To those who I have shared my weaknesses with, thank you for being that “SLOW DOWN” sign for me. I need that. 

Gotta go to sleep early. Hafta wake up for church tomorrow. Kbye. Nyt2 tweepz.

survey…favorite shirt brand?penshoppebenchguessoxygenhumanlee pipesbrattzbny — BNY. http://4ms.me/h17hAZ

what will you do if someone hold ur butt???? — kill him! http://4ms.me/ffpmYx

who will be watching the concert of taylor swift?? — I’m not. :( http://4ms.me/i5NXQF

do you like padi’s point? — havent been there. But soon, i might try. http://4ms.me/hTyVnc

Reaching tweet limit is just so cool. But i hate it.

I have the best talent when it comes to singing. As best as it can bring about rain. Dare me? Lmao.

Reality bites by 2011. A lot of change to adapt to. Im no longer a student. :( no allowances anymore.

My niece: you should accept that im much more beautiful than you tita. *flips her hair* imma kill her.lmao

I didnt know i can use Thera Comm here in twitter like “Tell me more?”. Its effective dude!

Coffee break. Had to catch up more. I better start reading Mosby. He should be my bff til the big day.

Its always over before we start.

Teh kung 98 ang top sa test 2, okay lan nga magfreak out na ko???aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh